Category: Living Journal
Sitting in Shit
I’m sitting today in a pile of shit. I woke up in it. I opened my eyes, and I was drowning in it before I could even take a breath. Days on end of screaming and whining. A nightmare every parent knows. Oh, how we love our children, and yet we need a break from…
Mind Shift
Have you ever had a mind shift that left you wondering how you lived a lifetime any other way? That you lived for so many years lost in a mind that thought so differently than you do at this moment. My mind has shifted, and although it feels shockingly fast, it has happened gradually over…
Fantasy
A fantasy plays in my head. It tickles my ears and soothes my mind for a time. Breeding a false hope of things I desire to come true. Allowing me to live in a delusion that holds on and breads pain and not peace. These fantasies play and I get lost in them as if…
Victim
Have you ever argued with your own mind? I find myself doing it all the time now. I argue until it’s painful. I allow the thoughts to twist and turn and push up against each other. Allowing a battle in my brain that is more painful at times than the feelings that brought up the…
Next
My heart aches but I struggle to cry. I can’t fight against tears that refuse to stream down my face. Even my tears leave me alone and dry. I feel the pools well up at the bottom of my eyes and then nothing. Begging for a release that isn’t coming. Just another broken connection. In…
I’m Insecure
I walk on this new foundation that is solid and unmoving. It has pillars made of steel and tungsten. In the moment I exist without thought or fear. Just being. And then, I don’t know what it is. But like slime slowly creeping on the floor and first soaking my feet and ever so slowly…
Positivity Is Annoying
I was wanting to write something annoyingly positive today. Something that matches the way I am feeling at this moment. And then I remembered… Being positive is annoying! Haha. I mean it is but fuck it! In a world addicted to negativity it can feel like being a foreigner in a distant land talking sunshine…
Secure
You represent a stability I have never known. A masculinity and a gentleness I didn’t know could be enwrapped within one person. You listen and you tell me what to do and through it all we both are in control of our own destiny. No push and pull but only presence. The fear is there…
End of the Day
At the end of the day does it matter how you see me? It may, if I allow it to. We say what others think about us isn’t our business but is this true? Can we be so secure that others’ treatment of us has no effect? As if the way others talk to us…
Abuse
How do I express the way it feels when you say these things today. As if I still believe them. Does the feeling come from the intended abuse, or does it come from the realization that for so many years I did believe it all? The truth that I lived in such confusion and chaos…