Writing has become my happy place. I write from raw emotion and inspiration. It feels like painting a picture to me. Sometimes it’s still life and sometimes it’s abstract but for me it’s art. My other happy place is the ocean, but I don’t get there much. I can imagine my ultimate pleasure will be writing at the ocean. I haven’t had that experience yet, but I will soon.
For the last few weeks of my life, it has been hard to sit and write. The emotions are just too strong. To tap into them feels like utter destruction. It’s like when you hear the most tragic news that has happened to someone, and you can’t comprehend how their body holds all the emotions, fear and devastation they must be feeling. I’m not sure the human body can.
This is where I am at.
So instead of tapping into my emotions and deep place of inspiration, I have been coping. I stuff it down as low as I can into my body like I’m trying to press a squishy toy into the bottom of a jar until there is no air left in it. It takes up most of my energy, but I stand on top of it really firm and use all my weight. Occasionally, I fall a little off kilter and the squishy toy, that is my emotions, fear and devastation, start to pop up and I must quickly readjust and stomp it back down.
If I don’t keep it down, I’m not sure my mind can handle it. It will certainly overflow into a mess that will not benefit me or my situation in any way. So, I just keep stuffing and pray for the day this nightmare ends, and I can rest. Cause man, am I tired already and there is a long road ahead of me still.
Even writing this, the tears start to fall, and I must stomp down again. And this is why I haven’t been writing. And yet, I am making an assertive effort to do so. When something in my life is this important. When there are little ones who need me to be well. Then, this is what I will do. I will cope and I will continue on.
I could cope in so many ways. I can pick up all my old coping skills from when I was young that sent me into destruction. Using people and substances to try and make it all go away. Or this time I can do something different. No matter how painful this one is, I can wake up every day and take good care of myself. I can read and write and spend time with good people. I can focus on what I see before me in this moment, or I can remain positive about the possibilities and hope that remain out there for me and my boys in the future.
Today I choose for them, and for me, to pick up healthy coping skills. Keep on breathing and keep on moving forward. This one is just too important to let it slip from my grasp by letting the victim take me over and steal it all away. Because even now, despite how wicked what is happening is, I am still not a victim. It’s all happening due to the choices I have made. And so today, I continue to make different choices with the hope that it brings a bright future.
Today the storm is still present. It is dark, and loud, and the scariest of storms I have ever encountered. But storm always ends and this one shall end too. The sun will shine again, and I will make it through.
Until Next Time,
Jill
