I’m sitting today in a pile of shit. I woke up in it. I opened my eyes, and I was drowning in it before I could even take a breath.
Days on end of screaming and whining. A nightmare every parent knows. Oh, how we love our children, and yet we need a break from the chaos. An eye within the storm that never comes when we care for them alone.
This morning it had been too many days of just too much and I woke up in my own shit. It suffocated the joy and the hope that is my life today. It clogged the pipes of my heart and mudded the joy and hope that fills my mind today.
I became the person, once again, that I’ve worked so hard to never be. So full of anger, loneliness and resentment. This person that I never want my boys to see again. The one I never want to feel within my own flesh again.
Day after day, lacking in productivity and swimming in a nightmare of arguments left me unfulfilled in my own world and desiring to re-enter the forward movement I have been functioning in. It brings me back to the years when I never got a break.
The years that made me forget there was a me.
The tears that statement brings me burn my nose as they slowly pool up in the bottom of my eyelids before overflowing down my cheeks. This pain stings but there is a sweetness to it also. I breathe it in and taste it on my palette. It hurts, but this pain isn’t one that holds my feet down in the shit I’m currently in. It’s a pain that lifts me out of the shit and reminds me that I’ve taken a stand. That not another day will go by that I forget who I am!
I will no longer walk in this depression, anger and resentment! Life is too short and there is too much joy for the taking in this world for me to waste a day swimming in shit. I may need to slap my own face a few times, rather hard lol, and force myself to take a jog and start my day. But I will start my day!
The relief I feel as I pull my feet out of the shit and clean myself off. Looking in the mirror now, no longer covered in thick, stinky brown shit, I see me once again. There may be a residue of brown still left but I know it will wipe away as I continue down my path of joy.
A woman said once that life is like a Costco. There are aisles for any type of life that we choose. An aisle for lack and depression and an aisle for joy and abundance. It’s all there waiting for us, and we get to choose what aisle we go down. I may have fallen asleep and been moved to the aisle full of shit, but the good news is that today I know I can leave that aisle and pick whichever one I want to spend my day in. I think today I will go shopping in friendship, love, abundance and joy.
When my boys come home today, they will not be greeted by anger and resentment. Instead, they will receive the love I shopped for today at the Costco of life.
Today I can shop for who I want to be. I don’t have to continue sitting in the pile of shit I woke up in. I get to walk in joy and abundance with an everlasting supply of friendship and love to give.
Until Next Time,
Jill
