I walk on this new foundation that is solid and unmoving. It has pillars made of steel and tungsten. In the moment I exist without thought or fear. Just being.
And then, I don’t know what it is. But like slime slowly creeping on the floor and first soaking my feet and ever so slowly soaking my body up through my legs and into my abdomen. My body becomes heavy and then it hits my heart and it hurts. Like my heart has been hit with a baseball bat at full swing by a big strong man. It splatters the slime that has entered my heart and instantly it takes over my mind and the foundation below me begins to shake once again. Insecurity now rules as it did before.
That feeling of heaviness and unease taking over in a way I cannot control. It embodies me. All the secure thoughts and actions seem pointless in this place. What was it all for, just to be here again. Why work so hard to build that solid foundation when in the end the ground shakes below me once again.
Do I give into these thoughts? Can I do something new with them this time?
Instead of rejecting the thoughts what if I embrace them? What if I embrace the moment of shaking and flow with it rather than fight against it. It’s worth a try.
I tell myself, “I’m insecure and that’s okay.” I let that part be and recognize it isn’t the core of who I am. It’s just a moment, like any other moment, it will pass.
And just like that the shaky ground becomes stable once again. The softness in my heart re-enters and my legs don’t feel as heavy as they did the moment before. I can almost feel the slime-like substance begin to drain from my body. First clearing out of my mind and bringing light and calm back into my thoughts. And then down through my chest it filters out and my heart becomes instantly whole once again. Then the weight starts to lift off me as the slime leaves my abdomen and legs. The image in my mind almost appears real as I see the slime slither away from me on the floor until it has completely left the room.
I realize that a life of warring against myself has left the ground beneath me broken. It’s like fighting evil with evil and watching as the evil in the world increases. Instead, the answer is to embrace and care and love those parts of me. That is all they need. When loved and accepted, just like me, they no longer need control. They take a step back and the part of me that is whole and untouched regains the driver’s seat.
From this place the foundation at my feet no longer moves. Stable beyond what I have ever felt. Lie to me, hate me, slander me, love me, care for me or ignore me. Nothing shall shake the ground I stand on now.
I’m secure.
Until Next Time
Jill
