You represent a stability I have never known. A masculinity and a gentleness I didn’t know could be enwrapped within one person. You listen and you tell me what to do and through it all we both are in control of our own destiny. No push and pull but only presence.
The fear is there but it doesn’t co-exist with pain as it always has before. I want to run but my feet won’t move. Thinking it will end but willing to hold on for as long as it will last. Frustrated with myself for still having these thoughts and beliefs that I made up in my own mind.
Will you make me yours? Or is my life too much for you to take hold of? Do you see me? Is it enough to keep you close and moving toward me?
I sit and dream and I dream no more. No fantasies are playing out in my mind but instead I wait to see you and when I do the fantasy plays out. I am missing the rush of the ups but balanced and grateful to no longer experience the downs.
I still think of him. The rush and the ecstasy. So intense. Living in a fantasy of my mind of togetherness and growing old. But the tears have stopped, and you have stepped in with a comfort and peace I have never known. My mind still doubts but the whirl of anxiety doesn’t enter my chest as it aways has before. Instead, there is a stillness within that I now seek above the excitement his presence provided me.
Will I allow you to hold my heart in your hand knowing you can drop it or crush it at a whim? I do not know if I can allow that. And yet your kindness slowly guides your fingers onto my heart. I have felt the first touch of your fingertips as they move toward grasping the whole of it. My chest feeling heavy with fear.
I tell myself to slow down. Breath. Let it be. My mind races and I want to force and create and make and solve. LET IT BE! Oh, but how. I keep going.
I allow your hand to rest there. Not holding it yet just grasping it ever so lightly. Breathing in and out allowing my energy to sink to my feet so that I don’t run. I sit right here with this. In the unknowing, wondering if my hand is on your heart also. Desiring to know but letting the fear of the unknown slip away.
I go about my day taking hold of my life as I never have before. Secure and confident are my steps. Not enmeshed in another’s world. I’m finally walking in my own. Experiencing how to let you be there and be on my own path moving forward.
Grateful and secure.
Until Next Time,
Jill
