How do I express the way it feels when you say these things today. As if I still believe them.
Does the feeling come from the intended abuse, or does it come from the realization that for so many years I did believe it all? The truth that I lived in such confusion and chaos and hurt.
In this moment reading your lies of attack my heart feels like a wet sponge being wrung out so tightly there is no more room for water or air within the porous material. I feel the sponge within my chest held there hard and dry, completely twisted up and lacking any air.
I hear the lies you tell me now to put me down and keep the blame on me. I could vomit with the realization that I accepted that life for so very long. The face slapping truth that I thought so little of myself! How can we remain in such deep delusions for so long. Seemingly these delusions do not serve us and yet they do. Forever a victim, clinging to the hope that someone will care enough for me and save me from myself. But no one was coming, and no one could save me. I had to love myself and pull myself from that fiery pit. Facing the fear of who I was and choosing to never be a victim of anyone, ever again!
Then there is the laughter that comes! Yes, even amid the wringing out of my heart and the face slapping sting of truth I laugh. I laugh that you believe these lies still have a hold on me. As if my kind heart is the perpetrator of all that has unfolded. As if my lifetime of having no sense of self is still my story and the truth.
It is not.
You are not speaking to the woman that you knew. The one that you held down in every way you could. The one that you used for your own protection of your fragile ego, so you never had to accept that anything could be wrong with you.
I have been used and so afraid. But not today. Today, you can no longer use me as your wall to hide behind so you can thrive while I wither away.
And as the anger and heartbreak for all those years enters my mind, I allow myself to soften. Refusing to become you. Refusing to be the harmful one. I will not! All the more I will seek to remain gentle in my heart and honest in all my words and actions. Even more so, because of you, I will remain filled with as much goodness as I can maintain.
There are so many regrets swimming through the depths of my mind. So many lost years. But there is no time to waste now. Not even one minute. There is so much beauty to be seen and love to give.
You meet me now and you think you can use me. You are wrong. I have grown up now. That little girl survived, and she is beautiful and strong. She will speak the truth and she will walk away.
Spew your evil lies and manipulate all day. Your exhaustion will be yours to keep.
My head held high and my feet planted on solid ground. A smile slowly sneaks up on me and rests upon my face. My shoulders soften and the burdens slip off like ice melting off a cliff of rocks with the sun beating on them after the storm has passed.
Until Next Time,
Jill
