I sit and stare. Sometimes it’s all too much. My mind goes blank, and my eyes focus, immovable on some object. My brain shuts down and the stress and worries go away.
And then something brings me back. And I go on. Whatever it is that was too much, I get up and do or solve or work through. Or maybe I don’t, and I ignore it until the need arises once again to face it, but eventually I do.
Desperate to no longer do this life alone and desperate to keep everyone at a distance. These two interplay in my heart and mind creating confusion and chaos that exhausts me.
And so I sit and I stare.
I will get up from this seat. I will get back in my car with the rattle and noise knowing something is wrong. I will pray and beg and weep and somehow, I will make it through.
What worries you today? What challenges overwhelm you and leave you in a seat staring out a window or at the cup in front of you? What leaves you sitting in your parked car with the engine running for minutes or hours?
May the burdens of our day no longer keep us from the beauty of it. I want to laugh amid tears and hug when I’m angry and smile when I’m scared. I want to run and jump and skip when my body is immobilized with fears of the day in front of me.
I want to choose to love you even if you can’t love me back. I want to carry your burdens with you even when you refuse to acknowledge that I have any, never mind helping me with mine. I want to be everything that I desire you to be.
How do we accept help and remain self-sufficient? Securely attached, accepting help but not needing it all at the same time? Is this the goal or is that an insanity that shouldn’t exist? Is it okay that I need people in my life? That sometimes I need your help. Does that make me weak or is it simply being human in a world that demands more of us than we have to give?
Does it even matter what the truth is when no one is coming to help me? When I work until my body gives out and I cry into the shower when I finally have a moment to just be. When the hot water burns my skin and with it burns and melts away the face I put on to confront what is outside that bathroom door.
I cry and weep and I go on.
What drives you to go on? What drives you to shut off the shower and dry away the tears with the shower water and walk out that door? What motivates you to turn off the engine and step outside of your car to face whatever it is you have been avoiding?
For me it is my boys, the hope for love and the desire to help carry your burdens. I know that if I hurt like this then so do many of you. If I can carry my burdens with a smile then maybe I can find room to carry some of yours too.
And maybe this world will get a little lighter.
Until Next Time,
Jill
