I woke up today and I’m not the same as I was yesterday. One twist or turn and I shift. Yesterday, I allowed a desire to enter my mind that I had never allowed before. A primal one. Did I always desire it and hide it away in the crawlspaces of my mind or was it a new desire entering my mind as I grow into this person that is me?
I desire to know and understand although I may never. So many mysteries of the human mind. Why do we desire what we do? Why are our morals different from one person to the next? It’s almost as if humanity in and of itself is like a perfect eco system. A person to fill every role. And yet, just as our eco system has been corrupted with manipulation and time, so has humanity been.
I have no answers, but I have thoughts. They are mine and mine alone. I used to desire for others to agree with all my thoughts. If you disagree then one of us had to be wrong. And if I was wrong then there must be something wrong with me. I no longer care if I am wrong. I seek to understand, and I must be wrong sometimes to truly dig in and learn. I must also be open to listen and consider.
What are your thoughts? Can we have brand new desires that enter our mind and integrate with who we have been, making us a new creature? Or do all our desires exist within us somewhere from a starting point or a core human trait? These desires, do they only come to mind when we are uninhibited or experience something new, such as a trauma?
Are we all capable of great evil and of good? This is an interesting question. There are people that believe all of humanity is good at its core. There are “no bad parts,” as Richard C. Schwartz, PHD says in his book called “No Bad Parts.” But when we consider only good at the basis of all humanity do we become delusional to believe that some people, incapable of change, can change?
Because of my empathy I couldn’t understand that someone else didn’t have any. It took a lot for me to see and accept that not all of humanity can empathize. It is on a spectrum like all other things human and there is a line that some seem to cross that have such a lack for empathy that they can’t even believe you have empathy. They have so little understanding of it that they don’t believe it exists. Just as I didn’t believe a lack of empathy exists.
It can be dangerous to believe that someone capable of wickedness and incapable of loving you can change. And even some that can change won’t. Many won’t ever make that choice. Change isn’t easy and we don’t like it, as humans in general.
There is enough evidence to show that the majority of humanity resists change. Then factor in that to change ourselves takes looking at ourselves in a new light. To look only at our lack and flaws, without considering anyone else’s lack or flaws outside of us. For an abused, victimized person to look only at themselves and their part can be an excruciating journey.
When earnestly a victim of horrific wrongdoing, the only way for us to change is to weed out all the voices of others and actions of others and take an honest look at ourselves apart from it all to see where we can do better. We can all do better. I can anyways.
With that said, there is a real importance to understanding the difference between a toxic person in your life who can change and one that will not. It’s the line that exists that should tell us whether to block and never look back or to be patient and empathetic and give someone room to grow while we love them through it. When we just start cutting anyone out that has one red flag, we have now become the toxic person and become destined to be alone. And on the other hand, when we believe all people can change and allow someone to play on our empathy through guilt and we stay and stay we also end up alone.
I don’t want to end up alone. If it happens, I will be okay, but I want to keep giving chances to those in my life that I value and who value me in theirs.
I woke up today and I’m not the same as yesterday. I look forward to seeing who I will be tomorrow.
Until Next Time,
Jill
