I’m tripping on gold, and I’m lost in nothing. I have nowhere to go and no money to spend. I’m working so hard and spinning in circles and it never ends.
Where is my focus and why? How have a spent a lifetime in complaints. There has always been so much before me and all I have seen is the darkness. A wall so thick within my heart I couldn’t touch the light behind it. Praying and seeking and nothing ever changed. Always walking down dead-end paths with nothing but u turns a head. Blaming everyone around me for why I don’t succeed while my own choices keep me in it.
I saw behind that wall one day. It was a miracle I had sought for a lifetime. That light is so bright and so full of peace beyond comprehension. I see it now. All the opportunities that have always been before me. The beautiful person I have always been. No one could see me because I couldn’t see me! I judged you all for judging me. A hypocrite in black praying for the light and lost in the darkness.
The path before me is bright. There are bumpers up to keep me on this path. Boundaries I could never place until now. Things I have always accepted I can no longer accept. The time is now and it’s all so clear. So much love around me. So many things to be grateful for. No time to mourn the past when there is so much to do in the moment.
A man swoops in. He is beautiful and kind. He doesn’t stay and it breaks my heart. I must move on. Never stopping from my walk down this new path. A path that goes on forever and has no end. A path I walk in all white as fresh and bright as newly fallen snow. And yet it is warm and soft and sweet. A life full of hugs and kisses and tiny footsteps. It felt like circles but it was all for something. Every moment and every tear was all for something. May it be for the best of things that are now to come.
Never again to leave the orbit of my own life to enter another’s. Finding the beauty in walking alongside others while they remain in their own orbit and I in mine. Choosing to be a force of light, never placing those in boxes who so willingly placed me in theirs. No longer living in anyone else’s box sitting on their path and the delusion they see as me. How could I expect you to see me when I couldn’t see myself. No more time for blame or shame or delusions whether mine or yours. Time is only now for being everything I was always meant to be. Walking down a path in white that never ends. Full of beauty that was always there, and I couldn’t see.
Never again to choose a life of delusion walking down dead-end paths when I was always tripping on gold.
Jill
