I can’t believe how hard it is to just be me. To first learn what I like and who I want to be. Then to change my life to be that person. There are so many more obstacles in the way than I had realized. Parts that come up within me, habits that I fall back on, sometimes, without even realizing it, and other people. Other people are a bigger obstacle than I foresaw because they have me in a box of who they want me to be. For me to keep anyone in my life who was there before means not only breaking my patterns but also breaking the ones they have with me. I must choose to do that work for myself and for them all so that I can be me. Or I must move on from those relationships and let people go. Sometimes it means bringing people back into our lives that we let go of and shouldn’t have.
There is something empowering and freeing to finally be me. When I’m walking in it, I feel like I can do anything I choose to. I know my worth and my strengths and weaknesses. I also know what I enjoy so I choose to do those things, instead of wasting time on things that never brought me joy. But with all that there is also this burden of change that still consistently needs to happen. I made a choice tonight. I should have made a different one because it left me in an old pattern that I have outgrown. But I didn’t even recognize I had a choice when the opportunity presented itself to me. I chose the old pattern as if I didn’t have the power to choose. And here I sit awaiting a wasted evening that will bring me no joy. One that I wouldn’t accept if I hadn’t lived so long not knowing myself.
It hurts that I accepted this pattern again and at the same time I know that I am learning from it. I’m sick to my stomach at the thought of spending an entire evening in someone else’s box that I have outgrown. But this is how we grow. I can stay stuck in it or make the best of it and never miss the opportunity to make a different choice again. So here I am. I’m choosing to write instead of sitting in it. I can write these words as a reminder to myself and hopefully to you as well that we always have a choice. I am certain I will be faced with a moment where I allow myself into someone else’s box again but what I won’t do is remain in it. I am so grateful for good discernment and an honest friend (that would be you Meaghan) to help me along this journey.
And the greatest part of it all is that every day I become more and more the me I want to be!
Until Next Time,
Jill
