I have been a bit quiet here recently. Not intentionally, or maybe? hold up, let me analyze myself real quick. If I have observed myself correctly I think I could say that even though I had a super busy week with kids being sick and a delay in school because of snow that I have had plenty of time to sit and write something. Although, I CAN say that I have consistently made daily efforts to get something done on the back end of the blog and podcast. But, I think its interesting to note a pattern of mine. I like to busy myself with activity that makes me feel like I’m making a real effort but avoid the work that will truly bring me closer to what I need to accomplish. It is self-sabotaging behavior. If I can speak about this in the light of “parts work” I could say that I definitely have a part that always comes up that wants to suddenly avoid activities that will bring me to the desired result.
Up until this point in my life, when this starts to happen, I would let it run on autopilot. The interesting thing now with my awareness is to witness this part approaching the bench, like i’m on the outside looking in and politely ask it to ‘step down’. I’m still exploring what trauma of mine is connected with this part that somehow has connected becoming successful to some type of danger. I can speculate at this point a couple things though just from being thoughtful about it and analyzing why my brain may have associated it in this way. To truly be a success and I don’t mean just monetarily, would mean that all of the messages I received growing up are false! ie. “Don’t leave Meaghan to her own devices, she’ll screw it up” or, “Here Meaghan goes obsessing over something that she’ll never follow through with.” The eye rolls from my narcissistic father whenever I would become excited over something, “ugh, another one of Meaghan’s ridiculous ideas.” Unfortunately, I think my brain has believed these things and in order to ‘protect’ me it has formed this self-sabotaging behavior to make sure we stay in that ‘truth’. Wow, honestly not until I wrote this just now did I really see it in this way.
This post today is dedicated to my mom. Today is one year from her passing and it made me thoughtful of all of this. My mom spent her whole life in a severely narcissistic marriage. These negative messages to her were the truth she lived and died in. The amount of talent, love and intelligence my mom had to offer the world was squandered by it. Before my mom passed away I looked at her and told her “Because you didn’t live, I am going to. I will give your life meaning by changing this pattern.” She looked at me with tears in her eyes, with a gratefulness behind them that I really couldn’t explain in words. I didn’t say this to my mom to be rude or tear her down for her life decisions, I said it to let her know that I’m going to honor her with my life. I had a vivid dream one time that my dad’s mom, whom I am the spitting image of, found me in a loud auditorium of people, clammering and chatting seemingly before a show was to start. She asked me to put my hands out in front of me and she placed hers next to mine. Her hands, identical to mine with our freckles and structure only different from the older weathered look of them. She looked at me and said “Your hands are my hands.” This dream was years ago now and it is just as vivid to me as it was when I woke up. After losing my mom, the meaning of this dream became so very clear to me. I will take these hands, my mind, my life and honor the women who were unable to break free from the tethers and chains this world tries to place on us. What you could not accomplish to get away from I will fight for me and everyone (including men) to shine a light so bright on it that it casts away all of the darkness so that it simply isn’t allowed to exist anymore within us. We are worth the fight!
Until next time,
Meg
