Two moms sipping tea #unfiltered #Unbothered

Life is good. I mean, is it? I never thought it was. Maybe I had a few good moments. Days even. But in general, I never thought my life was good. As I got older, I started to believe life in general wasn’t good. When we really break it down and enter the depths of reality, we start to realize how little control and power we have over our lives. The freedom I have as an American, I believe now, was a peddled idea pushed onto young children from the moment we enter public school.  But that’s a bigger debatable topic for another day.

For now, lets just stick to my perception on this life in general. I have spent my life so addicted to being a victim that much of my perceptions have been skewed by this false deep seeded belief. All I saw was the injustice, and pain, and control. Now, let me say, that I still believe very much all these things are rampant in our world. It’s easy to see those things because they are everywhere.

The difference today is that I’m beginning to see the things I do have control over. I have the choice to fear my reality or be in the moment and find peace with it. To find a quiet moment and drive to my favorite coffee shop and drink some tea and type, as I’m doing in this very moment. I have the choice of who I want to be. I literally have the freedom to choose in this moment to be friendly, or not. To bring peace into the world or add to the chaos. I can go into a store and choose to steal, or pay, or if I don’t have the money, do without, and then I can choose to be distraught or to accept it.

My middle son was born with a severe need to control. Any parent will know that toddlers can be very controlling. Oh my goodness! Whether they had the terrible two’s or experienced the threenager stage, all parents deal with toddler tantrums for any number of seemingly insane reasons. The sandwich isn’t cut the right way, the fries are a different shape, the food broke and isn’t whole. Having five boys, I’m exhausted just typing this at the thought of how many tantrums I have witnessed. But I have to say, my middle of the middle son topped the cake on this! He would not say yes to anything I asked him. From the moment he could talk I don’t remember him ever saying yes unless he said no first. And I didn’t make this easy for him either. I tested him. I would ask if he wanted his favorite candy or ask if he wanted to go to his favorite place or put on his favorite show and he would say “no.” If he wanted it, he would then turn away from me and then come back and ask for whatever it was I had offered him. At that point he would take it because it was on his terms. It got to be his idea and his thought and how he wanted it.

Now that he is older (he is 7), his tantrums have turned into, sometimes, violent episodes. During these episodes, when I notice his resistance is lessoning and the fuel within him is dwindling, I start to ask him if he is done. When I do this, I am reminded that my son has a choice. He may not be able to choose whether he picks up his bag or not or cleans the table or not. But he has the choice in how he perceives these tasks and in how he reacts to being told he must do these tasks. He also has the choice in how he wants to treat me when I ask him to do these tasks and how he treats the other people around him when upset, mainly his brothers. As I ask him if he is done or not, I then begin to share with him all the things he has control over. Reminding him that he does have so much that he can control in the moment. He must still pick up his bag or help clean the table off but a handful of things he gets to choose.

The more I walk my son through this, the more I gain for myself the understanding of how much control I have today. In this very moment I can focus on what I don’t have control over or what I do. And I’m amazed by how much freedom I have gained with this slight shift in my perception. Unfortunately, it hasn’t been as simple for me as someone sharing this truth with me and I just understood it. I had to do the work to go back into those childhood memories and change my perception of them. I had to start recognizing the parts that rise up in me and acknowledge them to find my authentic self that can make new choices and receive new healthier perceptions.

Most recently, I have been waking up every day excited to see what the new day brings. I’m curious about it all. The heartaches, and troubles, the love, and the joy and all of it that is awaiting me. Maybe I’m just on an upswing, or maybe, just maybe, I get to choose the reality I live in today. And today, life is good!

Until Next Time,

Jill