I was on my way home with my two oldest children and a song came on that said:
“I wanna take you somewhere so you know I care
But it’s so cold and I don’t know where
I brought you daffodils in a pretty string
But they won’t flower like they did last spring
And I wanna kiss you, make you feel alright
I’m just so tired to share my nights
I wanna cry and I wanna love
But all my tears have been used up
On another love, another love
All my tears have been used up
On another love, another love” (Tom Odell, Another Love)
This brought up a thought for me that I have had many times but suddenly my heart and mind was feeling convicted and I needed to write. In this world, I believe the bravest thing anyone can do is stay open and vulnerable to love. I say vulnerable because being open to love means you WILL experience heartache, always. I don’t just mean romantic relationships either. How intimate can someone that feels this way about a lover actually be with even friends, family and even their own children? In my experience, I am increasingly surrounded by people who are walking around jaded and bitter from past hurts, either from childhood or from past relationships.
I do not want to discount absolutely tragic things that people have gone through in their lives. I have so much love and sympathy for what people may have been through. I have been through much hurt, death, rejection and emotional and physical abandonment myself. I want to describe the urgency that I felt come over me listening to this song today. To be brave in the face of hurt, rejection, abandonment and death. To let my heart stay soft, to allow a new lover in, and not fear being hurt again. I want to willingly be able to face the possibility of all of these things happening in order to allow love into my heart, god, even if it all ends up being one sided! I want to love my children deeply even if they never learn to love me truly when they are older. Loving children can feel so one sided because of their natural self-centeredness, even though they have moments of snuggles and adoration for you. Heaven forbid! I can lose a child. I can operate from that place of fear and never REALLY allow them in.
I don’t want to feel so drained from my past hurts that I find myself not able to give my all to the next person, friend or lover that comes into my life. Whether we find ourselves in a place where we can do this or not, I have come to believe that it takes this kind of bravery to ever be able to experience true, healthy love. Today, I felt a conviction in myself, to make sure I don’t allow this type of fear, resentment and bitterness to take seed in my heart. I have much to pay attention to within myself to make sure I don’t, but it suddenly feels profoundly important. Also, this is an invitation for everyone who is reading this, I hope you can too. We have too much love to offer the world, even if it doesn’t love us in return. But I do believe this, if we are brave and stay vulnerable to love, it will change someone who is ready to receive it and we will love you wholeheartedly for it, people like me. We are out there!
Until next time,
Meg
