I’m super distracted tonight. I drew a bath for myself and found the perfect board to lay across the top of the bathtub so I could set my laptop up and write. I have found every other thing I needed to start working on, necessary things but nonetheless really just to distract myself from writing this. Stalling from thinking deeply. I have a lot on my mind today and have really been in some emotional turmoil. Maybe turmoil isn’t the best word to use. I could have actually just deleted it and put a different word. Although I really am experiencing a very uncomfortable feeling in my emotions and body, turmoil could possibly be a word to describe this state of confusion and pain that I feel deep within my chest, stomach and the top of my head. I want to run away from my own mind and body. But because that word also carries such a negative outlook and connotation it can’t describe my state fully. There is something to be said for sitting in the midst of uncomfortable and painful feelings, feeling where they rise up within me, physically and consciously. It leaves so much room for growth. I don’t want to run from it. I want to experience and explore it for what it is. I forced myself to stop distracting myself and write this.
I just distracted myself again by watching shorts. Wow. OK Meaghan, focus… I really Love Jill’s last post “unfiltered and unbothered”. I think something in my life I have really struggled with is being “too” honest with people. Also, over sharing personal details of my life with the wrong people. Neither one of those traits are bad in and of themselves. Anytime I have tried to stop being real and honest with people it doesn’t feel right. But then again there are times that people truly can’t handle the truth and it can be harmful to them if they aren’t ready to hear it. It can come off as gloaty (is that a word? who cares) and pretentious, like you are a know-it-all judging the world at your feet even if it’s delivered in love. Also, I think it’s a powerful thing to be open and honest with people about where you have been and how you have experienced the world. But I’m learning there is a fine line of being too personal, especially to the wrong people. People have used it to hurt me and manipulate me, to deflect their own issues by looking at mine or just out of pure judgement to conjure shame and guilt. But not everything needs to be said. Sometimes saying nothing can be even more powerful. I also don’t want to err in that I would be too afraid to come here or the podcast and share things that the whole human race is experiencing and most likely not even speaking about it. What is to be ashamed about? Should a thought be a crime? Feelings? Questions? Desires? (within reason of course) oh but do I dare explore what “within reason” is? I want to be absolutely unfiltered, say the first thing that comes to mind and be curious about its presence without judgment. And I want to be unbothered, I know there will be things we say that really trigger some people. Let’s get some thick skin and truly let our minds flow in a way that will really allow us to explore the human condition.
Until next time,
Meg
