11/14/2024
Another day and another opportunity to make this life what I choose it to be. I got lost for a long time in what I saw before me. As if that needed to be the story of me. I was how people treated me, or looked at me, or didn’t look at me. I was who you told me I was. I was how much money I had or the clothes I wore or how my kids acted. I was anything outside of me that wasn’t actually me.
Living outside myself allowed these parts that we all carry to rule my life. I was unstable in my mind and in my ways. Subject to however you wanted to treat me.
I have always had a focus on inner work. When I was quite young, around twelve, I was told for the first time that my brain had a chemical imbalance and I would never be okay without medication. hahaha. I laugh. I rejected it then. That is where my journey began. Although I had already internalized so much, there was a conscious brain still at work saying, no, that doesn’t sound right. I can heal. And heal I have. Unfortunately, I was young and my first healing of choice was alcohol. And of course, things got worse before they got better. Then in my 20’s I had a loving aunt that lead me to Yoga. She paid for my journey and I began to heal in many ways. But not enough to change me life. My unconscious thoughts still ruled my decisions and these parts inside me still had full control. I continued to drink and choose harmful relationships in my life.
So in 2008 I got sober. And my life got better for a while. I stayed sober but my decision making didn’t seem to improve. My awareness did but I still had these parts ruling my life and these deep inner core beliefs that led me toward destruction rather then thriving.
Then in 2016 I chose Christianity as the way to my healing. It turned into rejection of religion and a deep belief in the bible and extra biblical books. But that didn’t take me far enough either. I started to use my faith to confirm my life rather then use it to leave some things behind. Instead of making new decisions I stood firm in the ones I had made for my life.
It wasn’t until 2022 when I became so broken that the little of me that was left was quickly fading. When the one thing I held onto, being a Mom, was becoming impossible for me to manage. When I finally looked in the mirror and didn’t see any of the person I wanted to be. So I started to learn about relationships and attachment styles. I did my own study and psychoanalysis of my life and my relationships from the beginning of life up until the age of 42. I spent the past two years separating who I am from who the world told me I was and my circumstances told me I was. somehow slowly over the past two years I have started to discover I am not who I always believed myself to be. The most freeing thought is that I get to choose who I want to be!
So last week I went to the Trauma Institute in Northampton, MA for a weeklong EMDR therapy. I can’t even tell you how incredibly amazing this experience was. I knew I was ready for it and now that it is over I believe truly I was. Discovering and loving on these parts in me and allowing them to take a step back. Thanking them and walking down a path away from them as I assured them that they are okay and I am too. Going into my first memories, even before birth (yeah I know insane right! but it works!), and changing my thinking around these memories. Separating myself from the circumstances and how I was treated. Leaving me free to be who I say I am!
There is so much more to say about all of this but it has been a journey and I’m loving the direction the path is leading me today.
Until Next Time,
Jill
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