This season of my life has brought disruption and trauma. It has brought destruction and the need to re-build. And with it all, it has brought deep reflection.
This isn’t a new topic for me to reflect on, but I’m reflecting on it in a new light.
Truth is not slander. Truth is truth. If you speak the truth, you aren’t slandering someone, you are sharing what happened to you or what you know. Maybe you are working hard to protect others from what you had to endure. Let us define slander: the act or crime of making a false spoken statement damaging a person’s reputation.
Slander is not when you share the truth with others.
By nature, when I hear something bad about someone, I can’t help but believe some part of it. No one is perfect, so I can always find a way to see the negative qualities someone carries and use that to question if the slander is true. Someone whispers “she is a bad Mom,” and all of a sudden I remember that one time I saw her exhausted and “she” was short with her child. Now I question.
All it takes is a whisper of lies to make me question all that I have experienced of a person.
Defamation of character is a crime for a reason and we can sue people for it. Lie about me and now everyone will question me, even if they know me.
In this season of my life, I am learning the lesson to pass judgment slowly and ask more questions. I need to know more before making a judgement based on a passing comment or possible slander.
On the flip side, in this season I am also being careful to more fully discern so that I don’t mislabel truth as slander. It can cause great harm to the person who needs help, and is finally speaking up, to be labeled as slandering. It can also minimize or diminish the truth of the harm someone is causing and place myself and others in that harmful person’s line of fire.
If talking about dealing with a true narcissist, the term would be called “flying monkey.” These are people that believe the person doing the slandering and join in on the slandering of the innocent party. Very often, without meaning to, the “flying monkeys” cause more damage than the narcissist him/herself. These people, most of the time, are fooled as I once was, and are innocent. And yet, it can cause a lot of damage.
This isn’t just exclusive to narcissism. All people tend to gossip. If the gossip isn’t true, then it is slander.
This is why I have been asking more questions. If I don’t see any evidence for something, I don’t automatically believe it. I certainly don’t pass on the news as if I know it is true. Today, I am considering more and making informed slow judgements rather than the quick judgements I grew up making. I am also careful that I don’t allow what someone says to me about another person to dirty my image of them until I have more information. Or if I don’t know them personally, I choose not to form an opinion without substantial evidence.
On the flip side, I don’t disregard what I am being told. I want to always believe that I am being told the truth but never be foolish enough to go all in at first glance.
When I am in a room and two people are telling very different stories, it takes an extreme level of discernment to be able to weed out the truth from the lies. There is the possibility both parties are lying and there is no truth to be had. I have had to sort out this type of situation continuously as a mom. Man, kids are tough! Their experience of an argument is always so extremely different. If I didn’t witness it I usually have no idea if either child is telling me the truth.
Discerning the truth is often an arduous task. I still need to make judgements in life, but I’m making them a little bit slower today. I am asking more questions and considering more factors.
I’m not taking everything I hear at face value.
Until Next Time,
Jill
