What do you write when you haven’t been able to in months. When you write a dozen beginnings but can’t seem to finish one of them. I have been so shut off and I want to know why. I’m frustrated that I can’t finish one of my writings, a fury of incomplete thoughts and feelings. I’m craving to write something, anything to completion. I can feel the ideas and thoughts bottling up inside me putting pressure from the inside out like a fizzy drink shaken, swollen ready to explode. I guess the answer is writing about not being able to write? I don’t know but it seems the only thing I can do right now.
I’m going through and sorting through so much in my mind I find that the easiest thing to finish a journal entry is to sit here and write without judgment of what comes out and through my fingertips. God I even started writing a month ago about getting stuck and not able to write and I didn’t even finish that.
Jill is sitting next to me at a starbucks here while we write. When we first got here I realized my computer was dead and didn’t bring my charger so she immediately stood up and smiled and said “My home is a mile down the road, I’ll grab mine.” She wasn’t going to allow me the excuse of a dead computer to not get this done right at this moment. I realize how many moments I’m letting go without just dumping thoughts. I cannot let time be my thief.
It’s interesting with all the grief and heartbreak we have been enduring lately, the natural reaction would be to slow down, step back but when it comes to our blog and podcast all I can hear in my mind is “Go harder!”. Right now, is the time to push, be more vulnerable and not less. Pour yourself out, not to depletion but completion. Just like this journal entry, finally.
