Have you ever argued with your own mind? I find myself doing it all the time now. I argue until it’s painful. I allow the thoughts to twist and turn and push up against each other. Allowing a battle in my brain that is more painful at times than the feelings that brought up the thoughts I now argue about. Then I realize the arguing is only increasing the unwanted thoughts and the cycle is repeating, and the pain is increasing.
I began to argue the thoughts so I wouldn’t give into the pain. The victim loved the pain. Fed into it and increased it 10-fold for its pure joy and entertainment. Seeking love and validation that would never come and leave more pain. The victim reveled in it. Allowed it to pool up and swam in it until my muscles were on fire with the pain of swimming through the muck. And yet the victim wanted more.
Others would come by and hold out their hand and the victim would pretend it couldn’t reach that hand. It would flail in the muck even more, wanting that person to dive in and live in the pool of shit with it. Swimming forever with me in the muck and drowning with sore muscles that couldn’t move any more to keep us afloat.
The victim wants to pull me down and keep me there along with as many others as it can convince into the muck and be devoured by the shit that it swims in.
This victim claims there is no way out and so easily will manipulate me into believing it is true. “No one will ever love you,” “It’s all for nothing,” “give up the fight because you will not win and always be alone,” and “You are unworthy and unlovable and will never be chosen.” So gross! These words now make me want to vomit the victim out of me. I want to destroy it and so I argue and in my mind the victim only argues louder!
I stopped today. Amid the arguing with my own mind. I stopped and said “I love you. You are okay.” And like a wave of freedom sweeping over me clarity came to my mind and peace entered my soul. It didn’t last but a minute, but I felt the relief and the arguing stopped. I sought new paths for my mind to explore. With the victim loved and comforted I took over my mind and then new voices began to enter. Letting them go and taking control, breathing free and standing tall I walk forward.
I can’t live in what happened yesterday or live in what is to come tomorrow. We can plan but we can’t know what tomorrow will bring. There is always hope and another day. And if there isn’t I will leave this world in peace. If I leave without ever being valued by another I will leave having valued myself and others.
And today that is enough.
Until Next Time,
Jill
