“I will move on,” I tell myself. I will be stronger for it…or will I just create walls that help me avoid and disconnect?
It’s okay to hurt. To admit that I may long for lost connection. Maybe always. Accepting that a love so sweet may never be found again. And with this truth I will weep and yet I will still move on.
What choice do I have when you have made it clear. I know you felt the same and still won’t take the chance. The chance to let go and try again. I want to hurt you. For you to hurt as I do. May I be honest with myself; I want you to hurt more than I do. But love won’t let me hurt you, so I walk away. Forever wondering how you could endure the pain that you have caused me.
I want to put up walls and say, “your loss and not mine,” but that’s a lie. Neither of us have gained from this, only heartache. I touched the edge of a beautiful love that will never be. My mind knows that I’m grateful to have experienced it, but my heart is splintered into a pile of tiny pieces, and I desperately seek to wash it all away as if it never was.
So where do I go from here? Dating apps, depression, indulgence? Or do I feel it all? Do I recognize that one of those indulgences is depression and entering once again into the victim role? Can I now recognize the harmful place that is to live in? I can. The old familiar pain. I want to whine and cry and kick and fight but I know the pain is too deep and the anger will take over. I will once again be someone I know I don’t want to be. Full of self-pity and hopelessness.
So, I’ll make a different choice. The thought cuts so deep through my heart and yet I know it’s right. I will stand on my foundation and walk in who I know I am, and I will feel the pain, but I will move on. I will learn what I can from this, and I will recognize my worth, and step by step I will move on. Not replacing to escape or diving deep and holding onto it. I will feel it all and take a breath and lift my iron foot. In my weakness I will find my strength and with each step my feet will become lighter. One day soon I know I will find myself once again floating down that path. Light and free and full of joy.
Will I be able to take a chance again or will I shut down my heart and rebuild the walls I worked so hard to break down? I plant my feet firm on the earth and take a breath so deep it reaches into my soul. I breathe out the fear and I say “yes. I will love again.” I will let you in knowing full well there will be more heartaches to endure. But what will my life be if I don’t live it fully. Who will I become if I shut down, just as you are. I want to love and live and feel it all.
And so, I will.
Until Next Time
Jill
