I feel the pain. Mine and yours and everyone’s. Animals and even days where a dying plant can pull on my heart. My mind wanting to infuse life back into it. To see it thrive. To see you and her and him and us. To see it all in beauty and strength with health and love exuding the light I know exists in all that lives.
As I write these words, my chest is burdened with sadness from all the pain. But you, I know. I know so well. And even you I cannot make grow. I cannot take your withered leaves and nurse them back to health. A plant I can try to water and place in the sun. But you have a will that seeks to remain where it desires to be. I cannot force or prod or push. I cannot coerce my insight upon you.
So many making their life’s goal to heal you and her and him and us. But only I can heal me and you can heal you. I must sit and wait and watch. Watch your hurts and struggles. If only I could look at you and tell you who I see, and you would believe me. You would feel it to your core and from that moment on live and thrive and be. A world I can see so clearly made up of all of us. Living and loving and being and joyful. A world I will sadly never see.
You just wont choose and I can even understand why. You just won’t choose and my heart breaks open wide. Spending a lifetime waiting for you to choose while I sit unaware, that even I have not chosen. Oh, I have chosen much. I have chosen oppression and depression and selfish self-pity. I have chosen emptiness and darkness over the light that I know is there but cannot touch. I have chosen a cell with an open door with 4 walls that feel safe but only bring madness. A room so known to me that to leave feels like death, so instead I sit in that room and die.
I sit in that room feeling safe as I bury myself in pain. Each day praying to something or begging someone to rip me out, not even knowing I can walk right out that door. Because to even look at that door is a place so unknown it breeds a fear so thick inside, I don’t even see that it is open. All I can see is a door so thick with locks I could never attempt to break free.
And then you come along and you invite me out. You are on the other side. Seeing you there brings so much hope but I remain where my insecurities lie. I stay in that room where it is safe forever watching you. Seeing what I know I could have but still deluded by those locks that don’t exist, and even still, hold me tight in bondage.
One day this room has broken me and there is nothing left. No more fears to hold me back because they have all come true. I stand up and attempt to open the locks to realize they were never there. I reach for the handle to the door and my hand falls right through. The door is open! It has always been and somewhere inside me I knew. I’m still afraid but the room behind me no longer has its hold. I take a step and take a breath into a freedom I had never known.
Until Next Time,
Jill
