I wonder where you are right now and what is on your mind. Are you stressed or filled with joy? Are you thinking of me? Do you wonder if I’m thinking of you? I am. If you read this will you even know it is you I write about?
Do you spend your days in daydreams of what may be but isn’t? I do. Or do you push those thoughts deep down and keep moving, never giving them a chance to take root? Do you fear their growth may lead you back to me? Do you remember how good we were together? Do you believe we would have fallen in love with one another if our hearts weren’t hardened with scars from a lifetime of letdowns and hurts? Do you think I’m free of the same insecurities and fears that you have? I am not.
Do you fear I will see you and I won’t love you? That I will abandon you as others have? Do you give up love to have nothing out of hurts from others that aren’t me? Do you judge me based on them?
I fear you would have loved me but you don’t see me. That you won’t allow yourself to. That if you see me, you will see the one that won’t cause your tears but instead will wipe them away and shed them with you. The fear that this place is too vulnerable to enter and you must walk away quickly without even considering it may be true, that this is who I am and who I could be to you.
Do you degrade me in your mind so you don’t have to love me? Do you enjoy the image of me with other men so you don’t have to see me as a suitable partner?
Or maybe you don’t care at all. Maybe, I believe you see me but you don’t. You don’t see that isn’t me. That I’m not here to control or steal or harm. That I’m not here for anyone but you. That you have won my heart and it is yours. That I seek to increase your joy and peace and not take it from you.
We are in a world that believes relationships are to be easy without disagreement or frustration and yet this belief causes a deeper divide. With every hurt we build up walls around the scars with hopes we won’t have to see or touch them ever again. With these walls delusions that others are the same as the people of our past. We judge unrightly and connection after connection breaks. We find the most beautiful of connections. The one that may be once in a lifetime. But it comes too late. After too many hurts and scars with thick high walls. We let it in but only enough to enjoy for a moment. Only enough to have felt it and lost it. Just another scar with another wall so high I can’t see over it.
I can’t touch you anymore. I can’t see you. Where have you gone? After only a glimpse of what could have been. Just a memory now of a taste of heaven I may never have again.
If only you would choose me, you would see that I have already chosen you. But maybe that is why you walk away. Why you don’t fight to have me by your side. Because you know that I have chosen you, and the risk is just too much for you to bear. The pain of that I pray I’ll never know. So here I sit missing you, but because I love you I will let you go.
Jill
